Enough with all this Broadway crap, let’s talk about me and my glamorous jet-setting lifestyle (I wish).
Since I use almost all of my hard-earned vacation weeks sweating it out in the summer with a bunch of show tune-loving teenagers, I take every opportunity to make the most of the few three-day weekends that pop up throughout the year. This past President’s Day holiday, I convinced Trish to accompany me on a whirlwind jaunt down to Mexico City for a weekend of third world fun.
As soon as I’ve sifted through all the photos, I’ll post and write about our adventures. But today, I want to dedicate a full entry to our 15-hour travel day from hell.
Monday, February 18, President’s Day – Our final day in Mexico City
9:45am – The limo service picks us up promptly in our hotel lobby for the drive to Benito Jaurez Airport. It must be no sweat to earn a Mexican driver’s license since it appears speed limits, turn signals and painted lane markers are optional in Mexico. Regardless, we arrive unscathed and in plenty of time to check our single bag filled with Mexican treats and (more importantly) alcohol.
10:30am – Time to break out the Tums. Having avoided Montezuma’s revenge all weekend, we tempted fate by imbibing in a full taco and enchilada breakfast from one of the many airport fast food kiosks. ¡Muy delicioso!
Traveler’s note: Any pile of dubious carne can be easily salvaged by adding a healthy dose of lime, pico de gallo and guacamole.
11:30am – Our first trip through security. Disappointingly, no cavity search.
12:00pm – In a last ditch effort to use up all our extra pesos, I purchase enough over-priced (from the airport souvenir shop) dulce de leche and tequila milk candies to feed an entire sweat shop full of child laborers.
1:20pm – Boarding time. Even though Trish purchased our tickets together, she somehow managed to get seated up in Economy Plus (without paying the extra charge) while I was relegated to the squalor of “regular” Economy. I tried checking-in early, but the best seat that popped up was directly in front of the rear toilet. Thinking of the other passengers who, like me, probably imbibed in a last minute Mexican food binge prior to boarding, I cough up the extra $40 to sit in Economy Plus rather than float in a cloud of Mexi-flatulence the entire flight.
1:50pm – Take off. Comfortably ensconced in our wide Economy Plus seats, Trish swipes her credit card in the video seatback in front of us so we might while away our four-and-a-half hour flight watching trashy movies. First up, Taken 2. Is it me, or is Liam Neeson quite possibly the hottest 62-year-old man on earth?
3:00pm – Liam’s movie wife is bleeding out onto a dirt floor while his dingbat movie daughter (high school-aged, my ass - unless she's flunked at least three grades) scampers across the Istanbul skyline attempting to act scared and anxious, but looks constipated. Before Liam can begin another round of Albanian ass kicking, the screen goes black and the pilot gets on the loudspeaker.
“Ladies and gentlemen, you may have noticed we’ve changed course. A warning light went off on one of our engines. We’ve turned that engine off and we’re flying back to Mexico City as a precaution. There’s no reason for alarm, we’ve been trained for this type of situation and the plane is designed to fly with one engine. The landing shouldn’t be a problem either.”
Our plane will likely fall out of the sky at any moment and all I'm thinking is, "What about my movie? Will we land land before I get to see Liam kill every Albanian sex trafficker in Istanbul with just his bare hands and a piercing gaze from his Irish blues?"
4:00pm – After a rough landing (“shouldn’t-be-a-problem” my ass) and lukewarm applause from several panicky passengers, we’re back on the tarmac in Mexico City. We sit in the plane waiting for the crew to “investigate” the problem. My worst nightmare has come true – they’ve turned off our video feed before the end of our movie.
After about 20 minutes breathing in the warm, stale air that only a plane full of anxious, angry humans can produce, we’re informed that our plane is not immediately repairable. We’ll have to de-board, wait for our baggage in the claims area, go through customs, line up at the United ticket counter and get re-booked on another flight.
4:30pm – It’s like BestBuy on Black Friday as passengers stampede towards baggage claim and then to the ticket counters. It’s late and there are few alternate flight options left. We wait almost half an hour in line until we finally speak to an agent. Luckily, United has re-assigned a new aircraft to our route and we’re re-booked in the exact same seats. According to the agent, the plane will start boarding at 5:00pm. It’s 4:58pm. There are at least 50 more passengers behind us waiting to get re-ticketed. Sucks to be them.
5:00pm – We race to security and are greeted by a hostile group of fellow passengers. Apparently, because the gate agents aren’t aware of our new flight, they can’t let us through.
30 minutes pass and we’re still standing at the x-ray machines waiting for clearance. Several irate passengers get all “Norma Rae” on the security personnel and it looks like there might be a mini-uprising.
Trish notices several armed guards now surrounding the group. Great, we made it the whole weekend without being kidnapped, robbed or developing explosive diarrhea and now we’ll die in a bloody barrage of gunfire at the airport. I hope they get BD Wong to play me in the Lifetime movie.
5:30pm – Security finally gives us clearance and with a weary cheer from the group, we make our second trip through the metal detectors.
6:30pm – Time to board…again. Seems the ticket agent was a wee bit off regarding the new departure time. The good news: United has bumped a flight to Houston and given us their plane. The bad news: their plane is super ghetto – no Economy Plus and no seatback movies. Oh well, I guess that’s fifty bucks I’ll never see again.
7:30pm – It takes an additional half hour of shuffling and re-seating before we’re able to take off because the seating configuration is slightly different on the new aircraft. We’re now due to land in Newark around midnight. Yay!
8:00pm – The flight crew tries to console us by lowering the overhead screens and treating us to a free viewing of Alex Cross. Thanks, United. How about a free snack or a big ol’ cocktail considering we haven’t eaten in the last nine hours because we’ve been too busy alternately running around the airport and waiting in lines. And Alex Cross? Really? That’s the best you can do? Madea just doesn’t cut it as an action hero.
12:00am, Tuesday, February 19 – Our plane of weary travelers finally touches down in Newark. We get in yet another line for our second trip through customs in less than 24 hours. The agent thankfully rushes us through the line and after some minor confusion with a lost customs slip, we grab our luggage and exit customs where we are bid a gruff farewell from an annoyed Asian security guard with a Bronx accent. God bless America.
1:00am – We’re tired and cranky and still dressed for the balmy South American clime. Waiting on the chilly NJ Transit platform is not an option. We suck it up and splurge for a cab. After two trips through customs, a near death experience in the air and the sad realization that I'll probably never find out what happens at the end of Taken 2, I deserve a little pampering.
1:30am - $115 poorer, we drag our asses and luggage up three flights to our comfy Queens apartment. I realize I have to be in the office in a couple of hours so I literally walk straight to my room and plop into bed. Tomorrow will not be pretty.
The End
Addendum (4/17): Start from the beginning of our Mexican adventure here.
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